


Transformation

by GreyWeeknds



Series: 30 days writing challenge [19]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWeeknds/pseuds/GreyWeeknds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I drink to remember, I smoke to forget. Some things to be proud of, some stuff to regret. Run down some dark alleys, in my own head. Something is changing, changing, changing…</p><p>”You don’t look the same, there’s something different about you but I don’t know what it is.” Niall mumbles as he gently strokes away the brown curls that have fallen in front of the emerald eyes. Harry doesn’t bother to answer him, he’s too tired and what’s the point of it really? Niall would never understand him anyway; he’s always been a lot skinnier than him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transformation

_I drink to remember, I smoke to forget. Some things to be proud of, some stuff to regret. Run down some dark alleys, in my own head. Something is changing, changing, changing…_

”You don’t look the same, there’s something different about you but I don’t know what it is.” Niall mumbles as he gently strokes away the brown curls that have fallen in front of the emerald eyes. Harry doesn’t bother to answer him, he’s too tired and what’s the point of it really? Niall would never understand him anyway; he’s always been a lot skinnier than him. He can eat a whole restaurant and won’t gain any weight, but if Harry only eats one of the chips on his plate he’ll transforms to this fat and nasty balloon. So decides to not, to just leave the food so Niall won’t stop loving him. And now he’s even seeing that there is something changing with his body, he hadn’t thought that he had noticed that his hips had gotten bigger. They haven’t even had sex yet, and they’ve been together for almost two years now. Niall only thinks that it’s because Harry wants to wait until he’s really ready, but he is ready, well he’s not really. He doesn’t even know, he wants to feel his lover inside of him, to finally be one, but he doesn’t want him to see his body, especially not naked. He doesn’t want Niall to see his four ugly nipples, to see his chubby tummy and the non-existing collarbones. He doesn’t want him to judge him.

“You know that I love you, right?” he whispers, carefully putting every word forward.

He only kisses his neck, not wanting to answer his statement. There’s no point of agreeing with something that he knows deep inside of his heart is a lie. He wants to see himself in the eyes of his boyfriend, because if he could then maybe he would believe the other lad that he is indeed beautiful and not just this moving clump of fat. He tries to hold back the lump in his throat, but he’s afraid that Niall has noticed it, he only acts he’s not.

He feels the long and slender fingers trembling up and down on his arms, drawing his nails against Harry’s skin. He shivers before his body seems to ease a bit. Everything would be so much easier if he just didn’t care about his appearance, ignoring every time his thighs touched each other when he walked. But he can’t, it hurts too much when he sees the numbers on the scale that’s changed from the morning to the evening.  

It shouldn’t be like this, feeling this stone in his belly every day that instead of decreases seems to grow. Some days he just wants to lay in his bed, blending into the cream wallpaper and be forgotten. But then he remembers the blonde that’s waiting for him besides the kitchen table with a huge smile playing on his lips. He’s grateful for having Niall on his side, loving him even when he’s the hardest to.

Shamefully he pushes away the fingers from his body that has found their way under his baggy sweatshirt to feel his bare chest. He looks at the smaller guy; he looks like he’s just seen a kicked puppy. Harry feels ashamed for letting Niall go through all the shit he’s shoving on his tiny shoulders. As an apology he kisses the rosy cheek before he turns his body away from the once bubbly face and buries his head in the pillow. _‘I’m sorry Ni.’_ He thinks before he drifts away to the only place where he can be truly happy, the place where he is good-looking and skinny lad. His dreams are his only hideouts.

-

_So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain. Light a cigarette and wish the world away I got out, I got out, I’m alive and I’m here to stay…_

He puts a fag between his two chewed lips; it feels oddly familiar to feel it again. The guy with the jet-black hair gives him a quick nod before he inhales the white smoke down his lungs and he coughs a bit before he swallows the nasty taste. He hopes that Zayn’s right, that his hunger will stop if he just continues to breathe in these disgusting things. It might be just imagination but sometimes he’s certain that the craving feeling for hunger in his belly isn’t as strong as before, that it has almost disappeared.

“But you’re still eating, right? It’s just that you want to lose a bit of weight, not like you’re puking and stuff?” Zayn asks anxiously.

“Yeah, just a pound or two.” He lies.

He doesn’t want the tanned boy to feel pity for him, so he decides that it’s better to just not tell him the truth. A lie or two doesn’t matter in the end, not if he does it to save his friend. He gives the prettier guy an ensuring smile to prove that he really is okay. It looks like Zayn doesn’t believe him, but he only shrugs his shoulders like ‘it’s not my problem if he’s getting psycho’.

He hasn’t told Zayn yet that he know that he had or has feelings for him, and that he hates Niall more than death itself. The thing was that yes, Harry thought that he really was handsome. But their personalities didn’t match, and he would rather have him as a friend through his whole life than have him as a boyfriend for a month.

With Niall it’s different, a good different. When he sees the blue eyes that watches him shyly Harry feels his heart beat a bit faster and a flutter in his belly that tickles. They had met before he became all obsessed about how he looked. It had been Louis, his roommate at the time, who had introduced them to each other. They had clicked right away and after just a weak or two they had decided to become an item.

All the pain in his jaw muscles releases and for just a moment the whole world seems to turn grey. The worries leave him for a while and he tries to feel happy about himself, but he fails.

-

_It’s not the first time praying for silence. Something is changing, changing, changing…_

The two fingers dig deeply down his sore throat and at first it hurts before he feels how the fluid goes down in the loo. It tastes disgusting and for just a second he wishes that he would just stop, let his body be has chubby as it is. But then the image of the two orbs eying his naked body up and down makes him continue. _‘It’s for Niall, only for Niall’_ he repeats in his head.

There’s a click from the door that opens up to the apartment, he presses his hand in front of his mouth so that he won’t understand that Harry’s sitting on his knees in front of the toilet, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Harry?” he hears a voice calling.

He ignores it, if he answer it Niall will find him here and then he will think that there is something wrong with him. But there isn’t; it’s just that he’s trying to be a bit fitter and hotter for his cute boyfriend. It’s not right that Niall who is so muscular has to stick around Harry who’s obviously not. He wants to tell him that ‘look; can’t you see how my body looks like?’ but the thought about losing Niall makes him whimper.

There is a loud pounding on the window; he can see the blonde looking in through the glass. _‘Fuck’_ he thinks, _‘why the hell didn’t I cover it with a towel or something?’_ The blue eyes are expanded so much that it looks like they are going to fall out. Unwillingly Harry opens the locker and lets Niall come in.

He doesn’t look very surprised to be honest, more disappointed and scared. He walks slowly to the crumpled skeleton that lies on the floor, holding his bony knees against his ribs. Niall doesn’t realize why Harry keeps doing this to himself, why he thinks he’s fatter than he is. When he hears him telling him about how his calves has gotten bigger and how he almost can’t fit when he walks through the threshold, Niall only shakes his head as he presses the broken boy hardly against his chest, hugging him comfortingly. He wants Harry to understand how beautiful he is; that he has to stop with whatever it is that he’s doing. He goes out to the kitchen and makes a sandwich to the brunette, and it he throws the food down his mouth like he’s never eaten before in his entire life.

-

_There’s a story for every corner of this place. Running so hard you got out but your knees got grazed. I’m an old dog but I learned some new tricks yeah…_

”I think that you’ve progressed a lot Haz, you’ve even started to eat almost a half plate of food now.” Niall reassures him.

“You really think so?” he blushes hopefully.

“You’re amazing babe.” Niall smiles encouragingly.

A hand finds his spine and it travels slowly over the bones on his back. It bumps awkwardly and his entire body stiffens. He looks sadly down on the floor and he can feel Niall’s fingers disappearing from his skin. The spot where he had touched him is a bit cold but Harry’s relived that he understands so much of his problem. He lets him progress slowly and he stands right beside him with a craving body longing for another one. But he trusts the smaller guy; he’s always been a very devoted to Harry.

“Soon, I’m ready soon.”

“I know babe, just take you time.” Niall hugs his hand tightly.

The walk together with their fingers entwined to the bed and they climb up on it never letting each other go. He wants to be ready, he really does. But the thought of Niall seeing his body makes his stomach wrench in pain. A small voice, right beside his heart whispers to him that it won’t be too long now, that they will soon be one.

-

_Hey, hey it’s fine. Hey, hey it’s fine. Hey, hey it’s fine. I left it behind…_

He looks at the reflection on the mirror; it’s really not that bad actually. Sure he’s not the best looking lad, but the fat that he always saw before is gone, or almost anyway. Niall’s hands grips his hips affectionately and they smile into the glass.

“What was it I said to you before? I told you Haz that you are beautiful.”

“Not as much as you.”

“Perhaps not, I mean have you seen me?” the blonde grins.

“Twat.” He laughs as he slaps him lazily on the shoulder.

He turns around so that their faces are turned against each other. He can feel the breath that comes from the nicely swollen lips, all he can think of is how much he wants to kiss him, touch him, and feel Niall inside of him.

Carefully he lifts up the grey shirt that’s been covering his torso; his gaze never leaves the blue. Niall’s eyes expand only an inch at first, but then the surprise switches to lust. He looks up and down over Harry’s chest; the smile on his lips only grows. He waits for the skinnier teen to touch him, but he never does.

“I-is it okay if I t-touch you n-now.” Niall stammers.

“Yes.” He breathes out.

From the shy blond kitten he transforms to this dominating tiger and Harry can’t help it, but he laughs happily when Niall throws his entire body on top of him, unbuttoning both of their jeans in less than a second. He’s ready, and Niall’s been waiting for his award for so long. Maybe Harry’s not perfectly fine with his appearance, and perhaps never will be. But for the moment feels rather good with how he looks. 


End file.
